Just This
by anambermusicbox
Summary: Sometimes, Kudo Shinichi finds himself looking back. And he just wonders. - Written for Poirot Cafe's Themed Contest #17: Decisions


**Reviews greatly appreciated. Hope you like it.**

 **(Do I have to do a disclaimer?)**

* * *

Sometimes, Kudo Shinichi finds himself looking back.

And he just wonders.

Not for the first time, and hopefully not for the last, he'd mull over every little decision he's ever made and contemplate how the heck he'd gotten _here_.

And he'd ponder over Newton's third law, which states that 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite effect.'

 _And he just wonders._

 _It was one of those days when the sun liked to deceive people into thinking that the temperature was warm when, in reality, it was freezing._

 _That day, Takagi-keiji was questioning Kogoro about the case the other day involving a highlighter and the victim's habit of tardiness that eventually became his downfall. Kogoro was pretending that he had the slightest clue as to the resolution of the case._

 _So, typical day._

 _Conan could tell Takagi didn't get the answers he wanted as the officer left the Detective Agency. Conan decided to follow. And in the police car, after a little prodding on Conan's part, Takagi spills the beans._

 _That was the start of the end. The beginning of the final act. The final scene would come shortly._

 _And the curtains would close._

" _Well… You see… After Sleeping Kogoro solved the case, there was still a few loose ends to tie up. One of the suspects, Matsushima-san, had a few inconsistencies in his alibi, and we just had to double check things..."_

 _Now that Conan thought about it, that man_ was _acting a bit suspicious. His instincts were acting up at that time, but he had simply blamed it on his paranoia. As Takagi finishes explaining, Conan realizes he's holding his breath._

" _It turns out that he was lying about working at a law firm. But… that's not the the real problem. We've double checked the databases, dropped by the high school he said he went to, asked the people he said he knew… And the problem is…"_

" _The problem is,_ _Matsushima Toshikazu technically doesn't exist."_

Maybe if he didn't been such a nosy idiot that fateful day at Tropical Land, he'd still be living normal teenage life- Or at least as normal as you can get when you're a famous high school detective who's infamous for being a murder magnet. Maybe if they had left Tropical Land just a few minutes earlier or later, he wouldn't even have _seen_ Vodka acting suspiciously. It was ridiculous, really, how nicely the stars aligned and the universe conspired against him to ruin his life and to proceed to trample on its ashes.

He could rewind even further, back to that case at the aquarium. If he hadn't suggested the trip to Tropical Land in the first place, his life would be a whole lot different now. His old egotistical self had no idea.

 _Absolutely. No. Idea._ It was almost laughable, really. If only it wasn't so painful as well.

How had he come so far from normal?

 _After a certain Kid heist in which, while fleeing from a certain psychotic, trigger-happy man in black, Kuroba Kaito and Kudo Shinichi discovered that they had a lot more in common than they had realized- the blue of the ocean and sky and refraction of light be damned- and Edogawa Conan and Kaitou Kid had a truce and another valuable ally in their war._

 _That having been said, Kaito couldn't exactly say that he was surprised to see a certain teenager-turned-seven-year-old (because_ logic _) waiting for him at Ekoda High's school gates one afternoon. Even more so when he heard him say, "We have a lead."_

 _So, typical afternoon._

 _Kaito then proceeded to ditch Aoko (he'd probably pay for that the next day) and to hop on the next bus to Beika with a not-kid many assumed was his little brother (ha)._

 _They got a lot done that afternoon, to say the least._

 _Anxious anticipation was rapidly growing. This time, they were the ones doing the chasing._

 _And Kaito liked it._

 _(Hakuba did always say he had a death wish.)_

 _They were at the Kudo residence with an FBI agent in disguise (Kaito took his liberties to examine said FBI agent's impressively made latex mask), contemplating their next move. And the words were out before Kaito had realized it._

" _So? What kind of plan is this going to be?"_

 _The boy with the glasses just smiles his most mischievous smile._

" _My kind."_

He could've done a lot of things differently. He could spend an eternity regretting past decisions.

But the past is a place of reference, not of residence.

But _who knows_ where those _other_ decisions would lead to.

But then he wouldn't be able to move forward.

But most of all, he didn't have an eternity. Just this.

 _The call comes a little past midnight. Yukiko is the one who picks up the phone when it rings._

" _Shin-chan! It's been so long since you called! Your father is here too and-"_

" _Kaa-san."_

 _It's not really the word, but rather the tone of his voice that makes Yukiko pause. She wasn't as good a detective as her son or husband, but she could tell that this phone call would be different from their previous ones. She was right._

 _She wish she was wrong._

 _For the first time in long time, the Kudo family-Yukiko, Yuusaku, and Shinichi- really, truly talk._

 _He tells them_ everything. _More raw emotion was passed through vibrations and electrical energy than she thought possible. Yukiko uses up an entire box of tissues. It would be a small amount compared to what would soon follow. They tell him how proud of him they are, and how they'll return home soon._

 _Not soon enough._

 _The last words he will ever say to them are: "I love you, Kaa-san. Tou-san."_

Contrary to poplar belief, Kudo Shinichi was _terrified_.

His hands would _not_ stop shaking. He struggled to keep his voice steady as he relayed instructions through the comms unit. There was a long, stressful night ahead of him. There were so many details that could go so awfully wrong, and being the one who had chased down the lead, kept it alive like a flickering, smothering flame, formatted this crazy plan.

They were all depending on him.

To say that the pressure was overwhelming would be an understatement.

He felt Hattori- who he was now the same height as after a _particularly_ excruciatingly agonizing little pill- put a hand on his shoulder, and he heard the words, "Ya got this Kudo."

He took a deep breath.

 _A small white and red pill sits in the open palm of a girl with strawberry blond hair. It- the pill that is- is the product of many sleepless nights, intense investigation, dangerous risks, shattered hopes, a little luck, and, quite literally, blood, sweat, and tears. The girl looks at him intently, with shadows under her eyes and a touch of nervousness in her expression she couldn't quite conceal._

" _You ready?" she asks._

 _He could've said yes. He could've said no. Either way, he wouldn't be lying. Not then. Not ever._

 _Not really._

 _Because the key to his past, the key to his future, the key to the destruction of the entire damned Black Organization that manufactured the APTX in the first place… It was there. Here. Finally._

 _And honestly, it was overwhelming._

 _It takes a while for him to answer what should've been a simple question. Eventually, the boy with glasses manages a -_ small, sad, happy, anxious, hopeful _\- smile._

" _As I'll ever be."_

Later, others would recount how flawlessly Kudo Shinichi did that night. How his brilliant and quick thinking, combined with his superb intellect, had saved them from numerous disasters. How brave he was in the face of overwhelming odds and the pressure of the incredibly high stakes.

However, _flawless_ was the last adjective he himself would've used have to describe that night. Much less himself.

Nothing is flawless.

But, he supposed, the probability of everything going so smoothly was so infinitesimally small that the fact that it _did_ was a miracle.

So they called it _flawless. Perfect._ But again, that was the last thing he'd call it. He could _sense_ all the close calls they'd had, how close to failure and death they'd all been.

But it wasn't until he heard three simple words that everything really, truly went to _hell_.

"They have Ran."

And Kudo Shinichi didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the fact that the universe clearly hated him _oh so much._

 _Because that was the truth._

Time seemed to freeze. His mind seemed to go into overdrive. Everything seemed to have taken a turn for the absolute worst.

He would've panicked, but that wouldn't have helped anyone. Especially not _her._

He would've grieved, but it wasn't the time to. Not if there was there was still hope- _always hope_. Not if it wasn't over yet.

Not if he still had one, last crazy idea.

This night was full of risks.

And Kudo Shinichi was going to face them all _head-on_.

"Guys," he says, his voice unwavering, determined. "Change of plans."

 _Because he had already said his goodbyes._

The crazy idea worked. _Just barely_. He'd have Kuroba to thank for that. And once again, three words changed everything.

"Ran is safe."

He was the most relieved he'd ever been in his life.

His entire being was awash with a sense of gratitude.

But there was something else too, growing from his chest and burning in his bones, and for once, it wasn't the APTX, poison or antidote.

Because he knew that this fight was yet to be over.

And truth be told, with that simple fact came the realization that he _needed_ this. _Needed_ it to be over. And in more ways than one, Kudo Shinichi knew that he would never be at peace again until it really, truly _was_. His plan was good, but it wasn't good enough. And with that realization, he could _feel_ with every fibre of his being that he absolutely did not want to back down _again_ , not even as the FBI called them to retreat, not even as what was left of his _rational_ mind concurred with them. Not when they were so, _so_ close. Not when it was _right in front of him_ , and if he could just _reach out_ …

And that's when he saw it.

The door was open. Literally. And he could destroy _Them_ , here and now.

And he knew that doors only stay open for an minuscule amount of time, and _that_ he wasn't going to spend trying to decide what to do. He didn't need to anyways.

 _Because he had already made his decision a long time ago._

So he didn't look back as he ran away from Hattori and Kuroba and the FBI and the police. From safety. After all, if he wanted safety, he would've stayed away entirely from the perilous investigation. He would've left with his parents to America so long ago. He would've continued his existence as Edogawa Conan, hiding- _always hiding._ Watching. Waiting. But for what, he'd admit he didn't really know.

Maybe he just wanted a chance.

Maybe he was just sick of living a million lies.

Maybe he just wanted to be free again.

And in those moments that felt like forever, he was aware of _everything._ He could hear them shouting his name behind him, see the glow of the crescent moon, smell the metallic scent of blood and gunpowder. He feel the air whipping past him as he ran, his shoes pounding on the roof of the old warehouse.

There wasn't a carefully thought out plan to follow through on anymore; just his thoughts, running through his head at a hundred miles an hour.

Everything about that night was so uncertain; yet, _this_ he felt so sure of.

Kudo Shinichi took one last look behind.

And jumped.

 _Because he'd gladly accept the chance that he could fall if there was also the chance that he could fly._

He remembers simpler times, back when his parents were still in the country. He remembers quiet mornings spent with his father in their grandiose library, reading books intended for people three, four times his age. He remembers watching his mother _chop chop chop_ vegetables for the night's dinner as she recited the lines for a role, her voice resounding through the house.

He remembers back when boring homework was the most he had to worry about.

He remembers running, sometimes among the cherry blossoms, sometimes snow, sometimes gravel, sometimes grass. Not running _from_ anything. Just running. Free.

He remembers being 3 feet tall the first time around, when he first met _her_ and for the first time in his life, he made a heart-racing deduction. He remembers dragging _her_ on various adventures and coming home to a scolding, covered in sometimes bruises, sometimes dirt, sometimes tears, but always a scowl on his face. Because if he didn't, he'd be smiling, and he had his pride to think about back then.

Back then, he _could_ think about his pride.

He remembers how thrilled and ecstatic he'd been the first time he caught the media's attention, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he could catch his parent's attention as well from the other side of the world. And then maybe they would be proud of him and come home. But everything was so fragile wasn't it? Just like a house of cards.

He remembers walking to and from school with _her_ , sometimes in the sunshine, sometimes in the rain, and he'd never admit to anyone but _her_ how much he cherished and missed those times.

He remembers feeling frustrated, longing for his old life, back when he was just 'Shinichi,' not Conan.

But they say that hindsight is twenty-twenty, and when he would just stop feeling sorry for himself and look back, he would realize that he was eternally grateful.

Because the APTX didn't kill him. It gave him a second chance and and an opportunity- _the_ opportunity- to bring _Them_ to their knees and set things right.

Because he was able be with _her_ still, even as Conan.

Because he'd been able to meet, befriend, help and be helped by Hattori and Haibara and Genta and Ayumi and Mitsuhiko and even Kuroba through these oddest of circumstances.

Because _those circumstances?_ That was his life. And he would take what he could get and make the most out of it. _And be happy with it._

Because it was just this.

All these big things.

All these little things.

All the bad things.

All the good things.

He'd accept it all with a smile.

And in the end, he could not, would not, regret any of the decisions he'd made.

 _Because he was going to destroy them if it was the last thing he ever did._

He remembers the searing pain of the bullets. He remembers hearing the gunshots a split second afterwards, simply an echo of the night. He remembers seeing red- his favourite colour, he remembers.

He remembers hearing someone say, _"It's done. It's over. You did it, Kudo. You did it."_

He remembers a mix of emotions- _sorrow,_ _accomplishment, gratitude, peace, happiness, but not regret, never regret, not here, not now-_ overtaking him. Embracing him.

And the last thing he ever saw before the darkness consumed him was _her._

 _Ran._

 _Because as long as those bloodthirsty animals were out there, like_ hell _he would just stand by and twiddle his thumbs._

 _Not if he had a chance._

 _Not if he could help it._


End file.
